 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
The Rant Shack
(Wherein We Rant)
Mike Says:
(12/15/04)
Merry Christmas to All!
Happy Holidays, Nice fans and new fans alike! On this chilly, expensive, and crazy time of year, we at the Nice Guy want to wish you a happy and healthy one, one blessed with good company, good times and good stuff. May your travels be safe and your stocking be filled.
And as a special bonus, for your yuletide enjoyment, we bring you a Nice Guy tale told in verse. We hope you enjoy, and we look forward to your company for our New Year's update. Our best wishes and thanks for the gift of your time and your readership this year. Merry Christmas.
'TWAS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS
By Major Michael O'Connell, Jr.
‘Twas
the week before Christmas, when all through the club
All the bodies were grinding, and booties did rub
The skirts were all shortened and bosoms near bare
And hoping as ever, the Nice Guy was there
The
girls were all nestled in groups like wolf packs
And Frank made a comment about one blonde’s rack
As Peg ordered Stoli, and Jeff, Black & Tan,
The boys settled in as the evening began
When
out on the floor there appeared such a sight
A redhead quite freckled, of medium height
She danced with abandon amongst all her girls
Her smile simply stunning beneath her long curls
Now
Jeff’s heart expanded, his temperature rose
So struck by this angel in stylish Gap clothes
And to his amazement, five hours from last call
No guys seemed to be all up on her at all
Though
burdened with failure, his track record lame
He stoked up his courage and got on his game
He downed his imported, wiped froth from his chin
He crossed the dance floor, said a prayer, and moved in
Ignoring
the eyes of her wary gal crew
He stepped to her, smiling his how-do-you-do
He asked if she cared to engage in a dance
Against expectation, the girl did advance
And
then they were grooving, Jeff and this girl Kim
Engaged to a remix of Sir Fatboy Slim
Their eyes stayed connected as their bodies swayed
And Frank said to Peg, “Dude, he’s gonna get laid!”
Their
one song became four before they grew winded
They both took a seat as a Bjork classic ended
They introduced proper as both their crews watched
The girl ordered Grey Goose, and Jeff, a nice scotch
They
chatted and laughed in the old awkward play
The getting-to-know-you and what-do-I-say?
He stared in her eyes oh so dazzling green
So happy (for once) that he’d made this club scene
An
hour soon passed, and then the girl shyly
Suggested he take a nice walk with Kim Riley
She knew of a place not too far where alone
They might have some coffee, more talk, and a scone
Elated,
our hero’s heart hammered his breast
He’d taken a chance and for once passed the test
He said that it sounded like just the right plan
(And secretly prayed that she wasn’t a man)
She
went to her posse, and he back to his
Her girls giggled loudly and started to quiz
His boys were impressed and said “Go for it, dude”
And Frank had advice that was typically rude
They
met at the door and they passed the large bouncer
When Jeff felt the call of his several 12-ouncers
Excusing himself he took off for the head
Halfway through the tinkle his mind filled with dread
He
knew his luck well and it rarely was right
He felt fairly sure that Kim had taken flight
But after he zipped and returned to the spot
There the girl waited…his doubts were for naught
They
wandered the sidewalks that lined the downtown
Still talking and laughing and horsing around
He saw she was cold and he offered his leather
She smiled and accepted…they strolled on together
Soon
they arrived at the quaint all night diner
The coffee was good (but the company finer)
He found very quickly that more than just pretty
This girl was enchanting, well-read and quite witty
She
was a lit major, a writer to boot
Good lord, she was brainy AND painfully cute?
She had strong opinions and opined them well
He normally settled for girls who could spell
Before
either knew it, they’d talked all night long
‘Bout movies and lit’rature, memories and song
His feeling that they were well met was returned
Which made even harder the fact he soon learned
She
seemed fairly troubled as sunrise drew near
He wondered aloud what had stolen her cheer
Collecting her words with a soul that seemed weighted
She started to speak as his spirits abated
And
then the truth came that she’d hidden ‘til now
(he’d known that the night was too perfect somehow)
The girl was not married, nor crazy, nor gay
But was leaving for Oxford that very same day
Her
dream that she’d had long as she could remember
Had finally come true on this fateful December
Accepted and welcomed, she’d soon take a seat
Amongst that fine global collegiate elite
Her
friends had insisted that on her last night
They have one last clubbing before her long flight
She’d joked that she’d probably find her soul mate
Now that she was leaving and it was too late
Her
eyes became misty and she did confess
She’d made that remark in complete girly jest
But here they were now and a prophet, she seemed
For here she sat facing the man of her dreams
She
said he was wonderful, kind and so swell
And he felt the same way, it was easy to tell
But in a few hours, she said through her tears
Her plane left for Europe, and her for four years
His
countenance fell and his aura turned blue
His bad luck, it seemed, had remained strong and true
A girl so amazing, so perfect and right
Had entered his life just to leave the same night
Then
suddenly, moved by the mood they both shared
Kim Riley stood up and pushed back from her chair
Jeff rose in tandem, and deeply, they kissed
The patrons around them all ceased to exist
To
smiles and long glances of those all around
They finally parted and both sat back down
The girl took his hand, face all flush and a-grin
He squeezed it quite softly and then took its twin
Not
wanting to hear it but having to know
He asked how much time before she had to go
Her eyes met the clock on the wall and grew sad
In less than an hour she’d be picked up by Dad
Her
family was meeting for breakfast and then
They would all bid a tearful farewell to their kin
He nodded as Enya played on the Musak
He felt like Hulk Hogan had stomped on his sack
He
asked if he could have the honor at least
Of driving her home before her journey east
She said that she could think of no better way
To spend her last time in the U.S. of A.
They
walked to the counter where he paid their bill
Then out into morning and its yuletide chill
Their pace was deliberately slow to the bar
They walked arm-in-arm until reaching his car
They
parked in her complex with minutes to spare
He shut off the engine and turned and he stared
She smiled but grew teary and he searched for words
He wished for a time machine (God, what a nerd)
She
said her if-onlys and why-must-it-be’s
And why must she now take a plane overseas?
He had much to say, but ‘fore he could begin it
They made out like bandits for eight-point-five minutes
Her
father arrived and they got out with haste
Jeff hoped that no lipstick remained on his face
She made introductions, a handshake was passed
And thankfully, Daddy did not kick his ass
With
knowing and wizened and lopsided grin
Her Dad took her house key and said he’d head in
He’d gather her luggage and bags and supplies
And let these two young people say their goodbyes
Their
moments grew panicked now here at the end
She grabbed for her purse and she yanked out a pen
She wrote down her e-mail, he scribbled his own
They traded their numbers, and swore they would phone
And
then they embraced like there was no tomorrow
For them, there was none, he reflected in sorrow
He held this girl Kim and he stroked her soft hair
Her breath on his neck was a mist in the air
She
kissed him so tender when both knew at last
Their time had run out and their window had passed
Her father awaited and so did her plane
He wiped her tears softly and smiled through his pain
He
said he was grateful, so happy indeed
That he’d took a chance that their dance would succeed
If only tonight was the sum of their fate
Then worth every moment was their semi-date
She
started to take off his jacket, but, no
He stated quite firmly, with her it would go
To warm and remind her, on nights up too late
Of the man who adored her back home in the States
With
one final kiss and a drink of her eyes
He got in his car and he smiled his good-bye
Kim Riley stood silent and smiled very brave
And waved as he shifted and then pulled away
His
heart torn asunder, Jeff drove down Fair Oaks
A victim in yet one more big cosmic joke
His radio, crooning, reverbed Billy Ocean
As Jeff tried to weather a storm of emotions
How could he have finally met the right girl
(The thought was so tragic he wanted to hurl)
The one who was finally just the right fit
And then have to give the girl up to the Brits?!
By
Madison Ave, all his darkness and rage
Had somehow, though slowly, began to assuage
His thoughts turned reflective, and then all he saw
Was the curve of her nose and the line of her jaw
Her
eyes oh so emerald, her hair so afire
Her darling light freckles, the package entire
The sound of her laugh and the way that she danced
The sum of one night of unlikely romance
He
found himself smiling, despite the bad parts
And a lightness had found its way back in his heart
He’d let himself get so wound up in despair
That the trees had near hidden the bright forest there
How
many, he wondered, would give their left ear
For one night of love so prestine and sincere?
Such once-in-a-lifetime was not guaranteed
Was not it a sin to respond with such greed?
Perhaps
she was gone, and, yes, do the dice roll
But ever she’d hold a bright place in his soul
The girl that he’d laughed with and danced with and kissed
Had at least proven to him that such girls exist
They’d
e-mail, for certain, and run up phone bills
They’d make vows of fancy like young people will
But likely her hands would not hold his again
He’d meet other girls, and her, Euro men
But
no trick of aging, no matter how wily
Could ever cause him to forget his Kim Riley
With this realization, his spirit grew tall
He’d gotten the best Christmas present of all
He
pulled to a stop at the walk by his home
And felt his joy could fill the whole Astrodome
He stepped to the front door, as light as you please
And grinned as he fumbled around for his keys
Then
moved by an impulse, he turned on his feet
He stood and he faced toward his still drowsing street
He called out quite loudly, there ‘neath his porch light
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
His
neighbors next door woke from their drunken stupor
And watched as he went inside, feeling so super
And as Jeff slept soundly and dreamed of his Kim
They jacked up his car…and they stole his new rims.
DISTURBING INTERNET IMAGE OF THE WEEK
A LITTLE too much nog for St. Nick...
The
Nice Guy
“Pilot”
Now on Sale!
ITEM!
New strip added in the Comics! section: "Kneeeel Before Zod"
ITEM!
New update in The Rant Shack...with the news on the A-1 Comics Van Fundraiser...and the shocking Tim Watts finger news...
ITEM!
Update to the Photos page with A-1 Comics shots! Sorry, no shots of Tim's finger...
ITEM!
Always find out the latest NG News in the What's Cookin' Section
ITEM!
Look for new material on the 1st and 15th of every month!
And now available for purchase! "Serenity", the film continuation of Firefly! Order yours now!
Want to see more? How about watching the first 9 minutes of the film for free? Click below!
